BREAKING DAWN!!

I didn't have a huge opinion on the other three books of the Twilight Saga because, frankly, they weren't that special. They weren't horrible but they weren't good either- there isn't much I can say about them. But then along came Breaking Dawn... oh my god. I hated it.

The thing that annoyed me the most about the book was that I KNOW Stephenie Meyer can do better than that. I KNOW what an amazing writer she is, how creative her plots can be; WHERE DID ALL THAT GO???!! Breaking Dawn was a mess! SM had the potential to write a phenomenal series finale, and she screwed it up. The writing was so cheesy. I am really, REALLY not a philosophical person. It drives me nuts to read things like "You are the moon and I am the stars". And THAT was what Breaking Dawn was full of. Every. Single. Goddamn. Page. The plot was SO predictable. I could see what was going to happen better than Alice! Come ON Stephenie, give me something to be excited about! The only thing that surprised me throughout the entire book was the Jacob-Renesmee imprinting thing. Oh lord. I did not expect that.. But don't even get me started on how sick and disgusting that is. I don't care how much she tried to disguise it beneath the "I'll be her friend, then her lover" crap; JACOB IS A PEDOPHILE. More on that later on...

The wedding was alright; the mother/father/daughter bits were very touching and allowed me to see a side of SM's writing that I wish were a bigger part of the books. But it was the only time we saw Angela, Mike, Jessica and Ben in the entire book. What happened? SM just kind of abandoned them. And Renee fell off the face of the earth, too. What's more, Bella's nearly non-existent reaction to meeting Tanya was out of character for her. The Bella we all know (being the jealous little girl that she is) would have stressed out a lot more. I only hope this is because she matured a teensy bit and realized that she has bigger issues to deal with.

As for the characters...

Bella is absolutely intolerable, and so unbelievably selfish. As Kingsley would say; do you want to get slapped, girl? She begins by whining about being forced to drive the beautiful, expensive car bought for her by her selfless, loving fiance. She then continues her tirade, whining about her wedding: the preparations, the dress, her ring. Poor thing has to marry the man of her dreams! Oh, the injustice! And the way she treats Jacob? Unbelievable! This poor boy had the misfortune to fall in love with her, and is forced to endure her horrid treatment of him. He's just a teenage kid! He is in love with her and she treats him like crap. I mean, I understand that you chose Edward; you love him more, okay. But at least have the decency to let him go live his life. Nope. Gotta be the selfish whiney witch with a b and have her way, hurting BOTH guys in the process. And she claims to hate herself for hurting him, but if she really cared she would just let him go already. Sometimes, you really can't have your cake and eat it too, Bella. The culmination of this extreme selfish lack of consideration for anyone’s feelings but her own is when she slips and refers to the unborn baby as “EJ”. I bet Edward is thrilled to have his baby named after his long time rival. Sit down and THINK for a second Bella. Not about yourself, but about what others are feeling. It's Edward's baby too, you know.

Speaking of Edward, who are you and what have you done with him? Where is the romantic, loving boyfriend I came to know and love in the first three books? Who is this sullen, spineless excuse for a man who has come to take his place? His philosophy has come to be "If it makes her happy, I'll do it, even if it's not what's best for her". His love is not love, it's blind devotion. It is absolutely ridiculous. The object of 60 million readers' desires turned into a sulking and helpless sperm donor. THAT'S NOT SEXY. And then there's Rosalie. We already hated her and making her into a Nazi midwife didn't help. Thanks, Steph. Much appreciated. I did, however, like Leah. I began to feel a connection with her as the book progressed, and I really enjoyed getting to see the world through her eyes, and getting to know her more. I was always intrigued by her relationship with Sam, and Breaking Dawn brought the pack life into sharp clarity for me. That is one thing SM did right.

The plot was disgusting. Where did the pregnancy come from? And what is Bella THINKING? Edward speaks of it as a “thing”, Carlisle is afraid of it, they say it’s an incubus and not even a real infant, that it eats its way out of its mother’s womb, and yet Bella wants it, is willing to die for it. What? Since when did Bella want to be a mom? Since when did she not care about the whole “small town” image? She doesn’t seem to see how this child could complicate her life, much less end it. And what's more, she gets through 9 months of pregnancy in roughly four weeks. Way to go Stephenie, it’s obvious you’re not anxious to speed the plot along or anything. Plus, with Bella’s personality it seems like she would have a hard time wrapping her head around the idea of impending motherhood, let alone be absolutely ready for it in four weeks’ time. Suddenly Bella has the mental maturity of a 30 year old mother though she’s still an 18 year old and has a daughter who is progressing at least 5 times as fast as a normal infant. The story is entirely far too convenient. How very convenient it is that Bella can skip over all the newborn vampire crap and just be herself. How very nice it is that she has absolute control over herself and can see her father right away. How convenient that she doesn't ever have to experience the newborn nonsense because a week after giving birth Renesmee is the size of a three year old. Absolutely believable. Yeah, right.

Adding on to the disgusting-ness, the baby feeds on Bella's blood and sucks her life away. As a result, Bella must drink human blood (while she herself is still human) to save both her life and the life of her child. And she enjoys it. Relishes it, even. Keep in mind, we saw this girl turn green and pass out at the sight of blood in biology class. And now she enjoys drinking gallons of blood a day? EW! I was having a hard time keeping my food down when reading these bits. I must mention the delivery of the baby. I was trying my best to read every single word, but it was difficult not to succumb and just skim the paragraph. It was just twisted. Just another attempt by SM to show us the extend of true love... Bella vomiting gallons of blood, her bones snapping right and left, Edward biting into her womb to get the baby out- it's like a scene from a horror movie! And the tender moment when mommy sees baby for the first time is marred by the baby freaking BITING mom. Again, EW! And I’ll just join the legions of people who are saying, “RENESMEE?!?” You’ve got to be kidding. This from the author who tastefully chose names like Edward, Bella, Carlisle, Alice. What kind of a name is Renesmee? It is so awful that everytime I looked at it (6 million times over) I choked on it. She could have just gone with Carlie and everyone would have been happy... It might have helped us bond with the beastly little mutant.

Now onto yet another disgusting aspect of the story: Jacob and Renesmee imprinting. This event deserves it's own paragraph. It is so sick, so twisted, I don't even know what to say. When the imprinting concept was first introduced to the story, I predicted it was Stephenie's way of allowing Jacob his own happy ever after. Maybe a cute new girl would be introduced. Maybe he would fall for Leah, who knows? But did any of this happen? Nope. Queen Bella must have her way; she must have Jacob in her life. So Jacob freaking imprints on a 1 second old infant. What in the world? That is just wrong on so many levels. I do NOT feel at all satisfied with this ending. Jacob as Bella's son-in-law? She has KISSED him, for heaven's sake! Now he's going to end up kissing her child? What else can I say? EW!